if it pleases and sparkles

Lately I’ve been busy. That’s an understatement. I’m not going to sit here and tell you all the things that I’ve been busy with, you’ll just have to take my word for it. I’ve been so busy that the idea of making a list to help myself get organized is overwhelming. Everyone always suggests to me that making a list is the best way to stay on top of things but it has never worked for me. I hate making time for lists; I hate keeping track of my list. I have a tendency to lose things like lists. There’s a great South Park episode, The List,that comes to mind where all the girls in the class decide to make a list and rank the boys in the class from cutest to ugliest because obviously girls like to make lists. Kyle gets ranked last and Stan goes to Wendy to investigate. Wendy brings Stan to the Girls’ List Making meeting. This is the charm to the episode because we get to see the girls in this bizarre, almost court-like meeting where they vote and make lists on arbitrary things. When they take votes, they ask “Does this sparkle with everyone?” A yes vote is “sunshine”. Great episode but really I don’t relate to it as a girl. I’m not that girl that likes list or shoes really. I digress.

I’ve been so busy that my dreamworld and reality are indistinguishable because I’m working in both. It feels like I’m not even sleeping. It’s the worst. Have you ever made a spreadsheet in your sleep only to wake up and go to your computer and realize all the work you just did on it was in your dream? I love sleep but I haven’t been getting too much of it lately.

I’ve been so busy that I’ve had a mini panic attack the other day. I stopped it before it got bad. I have only had four panic attacks in my life and all within a period of time when I was working three jobs and taking 18 hours (6 classes) in school. My roommate at the time and now best friend coached me through the whole ordeal and showed me how to manage the episodes. She was surprisingly good at this which I chalk up to the fact that she’s been doing yoga since she was a toddler. Panic Attacks are probably the scariest thing that I’ve ever encountered. I begin to think of life and death. One day I am going to die and I won’t be able to do anything about it. It could be tomorrow when I’m on my bike or in a hundred years in my bed. There would be no way to get this data but I bet more people than we would like to believe regret their choices right before they die.

I’ve always thought that I work well under stress. Queen of Procrastination for the purpose of grandeur. But what if I’m a masochist who just loves the torture of stress? According to theAmerican Institute of Stress “Stress is difficult for scientists to define because it is a subjective sensation associated with varied symptoms that differ for each of us. In addition, stress is not always a synonym for distress…Increased stress increases productivity – up to a point, after which things rapidly deteriorate, and that level also differs for each of us. It’s much like the stress or tension on a violin string. Not enough produces a dull raspy sound and too much an irritating screech or snaps the string – but just the correct degree of stress creates a beautiful tone.” So some stress is good but too much is bad. Maybe I’m more distressed and less stressed.

The funny thing about all this is, I shouldn’t even be sitting here writing all this. Doing this, is preventing me from getting real work done. But I needed a distraction if only for a moment which you can barely call this since I’m only thinking about everything I should be doing. I have a constant problem where I’m joggling so many things that every moment of my day is valuable. If I’m doing one thing, I’m disappointing a bunch of other people by not doing their thing. Sometimes when I’m alone in the car I scream as loud as I can. It feels good.

Thankfully I have people that love and care about me enough to make me laugh and make me dinner when I’m too preoccupied to cook or eat. Mostly that’s what gets me through hard times, the thought that it won’t be like this forever and that I have a small army support system. Also the thought that in a couple weeks I will be significantly less busy due to one of my jobs not being able to keep me around in the summer, keeps me going.

I’m sure you’ve seen this video but I thought I would drop it in. It’s really frickin’ cool and I love the song. It’s a great thing to end on when I don’t have a good ending.